To Dear, 25.

I always pictured my life being very different as I turned 25.

Don’t get me wrong that’s not me discrediting any of my achievements or the person that I have become. I genuinely just imagined a very different life for myself at 25.

For me, my career in acting and music has always been the pinnacle ‘be all, end all’ that has housed my biggest dreams and relative to that, my highest expectations of where it would take me in life. To be honest you need to be a little bit delusional to pursue a job in the creative world. I was always conflicted being in an industry of self confessed love and confidence when I lacked every inch of it. I was so insecure of my looks. I felt embarrassed every time I would have to advertise myself or believe in these dreams that I myself was so unsure of ever getting close to. At 16 years old I began to place (what I now know was) an unrealistic pressure on myself that started to evolve into an unhealthy attachment to achieve certain goals by a specific age.

I would compare myself to the likes of Taylor Swift, who is 7 years my senior. She won her first Grammy at the age of 20 years old for her album ‘Fearless’. She became the youngest person ever to take home a Grammy for ‘Album of the Year’. I would say to myself that if I hadn’t won a Grammy for ‘Album of the Year’ by the time I was 19, I simply would not be able to pursue music. Now I know that sounds insane, but at the time it would feed this hunger that evolved into this god-forsaken pursuance of achieving far fetched realities.

It eventually led me to get stuck in a really bad mental state where I couldn’t differentiate my feelings between my passion for music and needing to prove a point to myself. I became engrossed with proving I was capable of doing this that I became incapable of writing a song. I got so in my head about every little detail of my career not going anywhere, that I became the biggest road block for it to continue not going anywhere. I was my most consequential support but also my biggest critic, I judged myself on my timing of achievements and took away the enjoyment of what pursuing music meant to me. And I have no one to blame for these things but myself. I sometimes wonder if I’d gotten out of my own way would I be in a different position right now? Would I have written albums upon albums of songs that I’m proud of; beyond recognitions of awards and radio play. Would I have softened to the idea of my own thoughts in spite of the less desirable outcome. We will never know.

I had an awakening as one might say at the beginning of 2022. I was starting to get very unsure of my stance with acting and how I’d given almost ten years to this ‘thing’ and never had a pay off. I was sent a brief for a new CW pilot they were casting out of the US called ‘Gotham Knights’. I sent in a tape and didn’t hear anything for two weeks so I assumed like every other time, I didn’t get my foot in the door. But to my surprise I ended up getting closer than I ever had to a big US production. I was in the running amongst the final few for a producers session; which meant I was asked to re-audition over a zoom call with the casting director, director, writers and producers of the show. Now even though I didn’t book the role in the end, to me it was a reminder of right place, right time. I look back on this as a friendly reminder that my entire life could do a 180 tomorrow. I could hypothetically book a huge role and boom - entire life uplifted to a new normal. And whilst something like this is unordinary and in a way highly unlikely to happen as it’s out of my control - I let myself believe in the possibility. Alternatively I myself could turn around and decide I want to quit the creative industry and start a finance degree - unlikely and unordinary for my character, but possible.

Here’s the kicker - I’m stubborn. I am one of the most stubborn people you just might ever come across. And due to this I won’t allow myself to quit something without being absolutely, positively sure I have given everything to it, thus leading me to irrevocably quit. I have never not followed through with my intentions of succeeding in something, whether it be the teeniest inconvenience or the biggest part of my life. In short - I finish what I start. Whether it be the next day or twenty years later, it lives rent free in my brain next to my anxiety. And because I’ve lived with this insatiable mindset for the past ten years, I forget that we can wake up and change who we are and what we want to do anytime. Our life is not in anyone else’s hands but our own. We are the one’s who have to take the wheel, not Jesus (thanks Carrie Underwood).

I believe we become softer on ourselves as we get older, and I mean that in a supportive big sister/brother type of way. Because we start to pat our younger selves on the back for accomplishing all the things that us, as ourselves now, wouldn’t even imagine having the confidence to achieve, let alone start. And to think every self tape I’ve done (which would be in the hundreds upon hundreds by now) has taught me something about myself; it’s that I have a bitchin work ethic. Sure sometimes I think I’ve wasted a lot of my time waiting and wondering what could have been if I’d have taken the more ‘normal’ route and who I’d become within that space. But I have time on my side now, which apparently I felt like I didn’t have, even just two years ago. And maybe I’m being slightly narcissistic and petting my own ego within this statement but the way I deal with the radio silence and the no’s is a freakin talent in itself.

So…25 is the year to start giving yourself some credit, babes.

I fantasise about where my life will take me. I want to live my Carrie Bradshaw reveries and have a ‘quaint’ apartment of my own decked out with little bits of me in every piece of decor. Fill the walls with endless prints and art that remind me of the best and worst parts of me. Have a space that I can look forward to coming home to and not want to leave in the morning. I want to spill wine on dresses and fake my uncertainty towards a man (but know damn well I’m in love with him), brace for heartbreak and colloquially announce the admiration I have for myself. Read books I never thought I’d get through, travel to places I’ve only heard about through whispers. Wander aimlessly through new cities without a final destination in mind. Go to bars alone and eat at restaurants for one.

I hope to one day find someone to love me and my quirks and put up with my endless ramblings about why horror films should have their own category at the oscars and why I love the smell of this one perfume that reminds people of pickle juice but smells to me of my first apartment in LA and how I could watch ‘The Holiday’ every day for the rest of my life and never get sick of it. I hope to one day raise a version of myself who chooses to fearlessly share their big emotions without judgement and is confident in their opinions and always willing to stand up for people and never feel ashamed of who they are. I want to build a life that I can one day look back on and feel no regrets for what could have been.

I’ve learnt many lessons throughout my early twenties. From living on my own in a foreign country, to naively believing that people treat you the way that you treat people. I have become someone I know my younger self would think was cool and that’s what matters to me most. And for her I will continue to embarrass and make fun of myself whenever I get the chance, dance like I have ants in my pants and scream Taylor Swift songs like my life depends on it.

…In my 25th year I vow to commit to new experiences, romanticise the mundane and set myself realistic standards for my creative outlets. Share more of what I know as a consumer myself, would appreciate from a content creater. Express myself freely in a cosy space online where I’ll want to come back to everyday, if not every week.

And most of all, to keep all of that attainable - take care of me and my heart and my body.

And I hope you choose to do the same.

Written by Isabella Richardson